I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
