wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
