wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
