The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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