Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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