I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
