Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
