Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
