I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Congratulations! We have a period
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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