btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
