There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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