just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
