remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
