I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
