I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
