you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
