Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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