I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
