I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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