I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
