Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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