You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
