fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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