shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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