every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Found the puke drawer
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
