I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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