we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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