i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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