when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize