why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
