Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
