I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
