i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
