im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
