Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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