the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
