Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
the liver wants what the liver wants
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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