My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
