You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
