I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
