My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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