Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
