Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
is it fun? or sober?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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