I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos