did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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