So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.