Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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