Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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