My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
