The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
