Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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