i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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