i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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