wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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