I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have fence marks all over my body
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
