How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
