Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
