if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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